Cats Eye Nebula Apathy Syndrome
By Stephen Michael McDowell

im pulling from the universe

this is me
from the universe
i dont get it
i cant understand


oh no im laughing
im laughing again

double airplane blues

i think im so annoying
i walk outside and change clothes in the rain
i dont know where i am
in this summer fog of shit
lightning in the sky in a summer fog of shit
a year later
i close my eyes and see patterns
liquid jewels in black space
i imagine what im seeing
is how dna looks to a ribosome
a month later
she says she wants to look back
and remember
the happy times
somehow this is not one of them
i know this now
or dont
or cant
or am in retroactive submission to all states
including happiness which is transitive and can be skewed by time
i could potentially remember this happily
not now
away from the computer
she holds me
i cry
but its her who cries
when held this way
i think
and realize i wont hold her in any way
i must be so annoying
we sit on a futon in a basement somewhere
you take your clothes off and hold me
we absorb each other and become a binary system unto ourselves
that is a dream i have of you
i wake up and kiss a bare back
the face of its yours
oh god it smiles
the door to your room opens
and asks a question
another face walks in then stares
oh god it wants to say something
it clearly wants some thing to say
you cover your face
you did this i realize
youre what a virus looks like
here have my dna
in the nighttime
i dance
like in a nightmare
i try to dance
then think of you
then dance harder
even alone im so annoying


sometimes im happy
lol i dont know anything
ignore me to death


space space space space space
space space space space space wow earth
space space space space space

the impermanence of faces

i sometimes search you
via google
via my brain
there is a one-in-two probability
that you are alive today somewhere
ive discerned the emotion
i feel about you
all of them at once
fifty-percent-chance not dead
oh god
how are you even possible


i sat in a room on an island city
picked up a book
said these bad drugs
then thought of you


stephen michael mcdowell lives in maryland