By Cassandra Gillig

(Illustrated by Jenn Kucharczyk)

“Did you watch the game last night?” I asked my coworker Doug.

“Yeah, it was all right, I guess,” he retorted, “but I sure as hell would have liked to see the Steelers take on the Bears.”

We laughed heartily; he was so right! The Chicago Bears are the best!

“Anything good happen?” I inquired.

“Well, yeah, David Lynch intercepted the ball at the ten yard line and ran it for at least a hundred thousand yards,” Doug said.

“David Lynch? Is he on the Packers?”

“No, the filmmaker…the guy who did Dune. He just kind of showed up in the middle of the field and took the ball.”

“A hundred thousand yards, though?” I asked.

“Well, yeah, I mean he got to the end of the field and ran through the barrier and just kept going.”

“Into the crowd?”

“No, like, through the crowd…just ran right through it and popped out on the other side. They were filming him for a while but then he got lost in the tailgaters; it was a big mess.”

“Mhmmm. And he had the ball the whole time?”

“Yeah. They found him again about two hours after the game and he was in the middle of the Mojave Desert, burying the ball next to a tarantula nest. They had Terry Bradshaw out there, you know, the reporter, and he was probing him and stuff, but Lynch was just staring down the camera. Killing you with his eyes. Bradshaw was all ‘David, you’ve made the single most amazing play in the entirety of football,’ and Lynch would not stop staring at him. Eventually the camera man just kind of zoomed in on David’s face and then it just froze like that.”


“Yeah, NBC was airing footage of David Lynch’s face for at least three hours.”

“What happened after? Who won?”

“I don’t know. I went to sleep. Eventually I think they went to talk to the head coaches—“


“Well, everyone was missing. Every player on the Packers is gone and almost all of the Steelers are missing except Roethlisberger—he turned up on the field this morning without clothes and won’t talk to anyone.”


“Yeah. Anyway, next year is the year. The Bears will take it in 2012.”

“You said it, man. You said it.”


Cassandra Gillig lives in Chicago