The Great Business Park Email
By Patrick Lee

(Illustrated by Shona MacPherson)

from: Patrick Lee to:

date: Fri, Mar 9, 2012 at 7:41 AM EST subject: RE: aching head machine

Important mainly because of your interaction with messages in the conversation.


So I'm at work, with three minutes...oh my god it took three minutes to write that. I’m now live!! Some
guy can’t get on his laptop: cue Pat.

WDF I can't believe that took three minutes to write, it felt like three seconds, I suspect someone in this
office is tampering with the time, like in OFOTCN (One Flew over the cuckoo's nest).

I work in a room which I would put at 100ft, maybe more, by about 60ft, and on either side it's got desks with four seats, facing other desks with four seats, divided by computer, and about 3ft of space between these desks...not sure how many people that makes...8 people every 4-5ft for 100 ft x2 (cos there are two sides of desks to the room). There is this weird hum throughout, and people saying 'ourselves', 'yourselves', 'password resets', 'mainframe issues'...I’m talking to a guy right now bout his Outlook not working but sometimes when he talks I don’t hear him, i hear this weird wet churning noise like a painful empty stomach, and everyone in here is being moved round so I’m no longer sat opposite this insane good looking cartoon's like...oh man I keep having to go away to fix stuff then coming back and forgetting what I had to say. I feel like I'm trying to be profound. I have profound things to say but I’m struggling with it. In a way I feel like everyone has something profound to say but has to keep going away to fix computers. All the men here make me feel like I'm a soft beaten overcooked pasta in a limp shirt. There is definitely a weird masculinity here. The women make me feel that ultimately evil will prevail. I disagree with everybody.

I’m being an idiot now, I realise that.

There are also these big black, that are hanging from the ceiling with 7 categories and percent signs, like stock markets, and they’re only understood by people who work here and have this weird info system in their brains, but they’re basically telling me that UKL is 10 UKGI is 20 (that's terrible btw), and it’ll take a few hours to clear that, and so every time i finish a call i have 30 seconds till another comes in. But I’m on it right now, typing really fast and getting my FTF up so that I can get to the top of the leaderboard, which is a real thing that does exist - as much as anything in here 'exists' - and is determined by your FTF and volume of calls taken -- 'good morning Patrick speaking...' Wooah I nearly got a customer trip me up there with an RAC ID reset, we don’t deal with them, caused a bit of upset - she was in India and telling me how hot it is and asking when I’m going to make it over weird is life? I mean that could be direct dream material. Nobody here knows what is really going on, nor does anyone who calls in. Neither do I. This in reality is a weird commercial complex that is a major employer on the outskirts of York.

I read ur story, it's very nice cos it's obvious that you are very calm about everything, it made me feel good, cept also kind of worried like I’ve wasted my whole life, which is something that i guess i almost feel all the time. Sometimes I think about that, how like the best time was always the time that just ended, and that I’m sad now, BUT having thought about it, the majority of people I currently know are fools, in fact I have made a sign here that says 'people are fools' which we occasionally hold up if we get a fool on the phone, and I think I would rather be a bit down about the state of the world than a person who can live happily in it - although I do think once the wave gets to 20ft, and breaks and I get somewhere else I will ultimately find happiness cos sometimes deep down i think I’m awesome.

Christ, this is awful to write, I keep going away like every five seconds. Sorry if it comes over bad.

Coffee is great cos it's impossible to be put down while drinking it. This guy just tried to strong arm me over the phone but I beat him by just talking at him for about 6 minutes, until he relented.

I told a terrible joke on the phone just now. It might be so bad it's not worth saying. This guy wanted
his 'Unisure' fixing, it went like this:

Me: Ok I'll copy that file, you refresh the screen, and we'll give it a go
Him: Sure
Me: You mean 'Unisure'
Him: I suppose.

There is something about the sentence 'I've been doing calls all day' which makes me think of a teenager trying to impress people by acting grown up and cleaning his/her room etc.

Hmmm, what else? Does Asia really drain moolah? That's important. Money is important; I want to live
off royalties.


Seriously though: what’s the best i can ever hope for? £40,000 per year...good house...good job...slightly less funny than Graham Norton, an acceptable level of creativity, and that's it? Would i take that? I don’t
know. It sounds kindve OK.

Ignore the last bit.


patrick lee and shona macpherson are now traveling in america