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Surfing Together

Impossible

 

Oscar d'Artois

impossible is surfing

 

impossible is golfing (if differently so)

 

impossible is figuring out wtf ‘rolfing’ is

 

impossible is crushing

 

impossible is US ever winning the world cup

 

impossible is the abs on that one english soccer player with the stupid headband

 

impossible is how fast group sports can go from being tedious to kinda fun?

 

impossible is donning sportswear in a way that isn’t pervy

 

impossible is men not talking constantly about their dicks to socialize

 

impossible is using the nesquik for anything other than cooking black beans

 

impossible is finding canned black beans in southern spain

 

impossible is planning a meal far enough in advance that you have time to soak dried beans

 

& so impossible is not leaving all kinds of shit u bought & didn’t use behind

 

impossible is the sexistential angst that leads boys to become men who bang about in kitchens

 

& impossible is the dichotomy between all these old spaniards in woolly scarves & me with my tiny tits out on the beach

 

impossible is the love of andalusians for vowels at the expense of consonants

 

& impossible is going to bed before midnight

 

impossible is how crabby i get if i have to leave the house for the day before noon

 

impossible is knowing where the rest of the candle goes when it burns out

 

impossible is not adding a touch of business casual to ur beach goth, at my age

 

impossible is not replying ‘so true’ to almost any observation ppl make once u start doing it. just try

 

impossible is this naked platinum blond baby at the beach that looks like an advertisement for babies

 

impossible is imagining describing a baby’s squeals as ‘delightful’

 

impossible is maintaining adult friendships from afar

 

impossible is getting enough alone & enough with other people

 

impossible is being both selfless & into self care

 

impossible is posting to social media – not because i lack the vanity but because it requires every day reconstructing a self from of this vast desert of ugh

 

& impossible is the notion of an immutable ineffable ‘you’ that is anything other than this skin, this shit, this blood, these whacky thoughts

 

impossible is the ceasing of the fluctuations of the mind

 

impossible is not getting bored with the endlessly re-unfolding dress rehearsal of myself

 

impossible is me being back on my dark night of the soul bullshit

 

& impossible is to say what is really ‘on’ one’s mind

 

impossible is speaking from the point of view of objective reality tho I seem to be addicted to trying whereas you don’t seem too fussed a feature I can’t tell whether I am frustrated by or admire & which I suspect has either to do with being an atheist or maybe more to do with my own fantasy that there is a possibility of objectivity at all a fantasy perhaps enabled by my seeing things from the POV of the imaginary blank neutral awareness radiating out from the center of white cis male blahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

but I mean still impossible is the messianic bullshit of ppl who fail to see that their desire to impose objective reality is a function of their being able to envision one at all

 

impossible is calling a dumb thing ‘gay,’ these days

 

impossible is waking up drenched in dread about the passing of time, the relentless aging of your body when this light this warmth await you tho of course I do still manage to do so

 

impossible is how good the murder of crows is at eerily circling the old abandoned watchtower … killing it 

 

impossible is knowing whether the stray dog barking at the waves at twilight is just excited to be at the beach or if it has lost its friend at sea

 

impossible is a ‘your life in review’ feature on phone photo apps for when you are on the brink of death – ‘just some stuff we’d thought you might want to look back on!’

 

impossible at least for now

 

impossible is keeping a poem the conceit of which is to start every line with the line impossible is chill & unmelodramatic

 

impossible is that mess of unborn writhing shitblood cthonic being way back in the corner of my eye

 

impossible is us drunk arguing over whether the life we’ve built here & our presence is ultimately harmful to others or not

 

impossible is not planting the seeds of ur own chaos wherever u go

 

impossible is making something that falls apart & then remaking it & then not falling apart ourselves

 

impossible is not being at least a bit like ‘o damn’ when u can see both europe & africa out the bus window

 

& impossible is not also thinking sure ok but why

 

impossible is having just one montadito

 

impossible is our mutual love of the tapas lifestyle

 

impossible is biking to a remote beach in the winter when it’s raining… just kidding we can do it anyway & of course we will swim!

 

impossible is your joy at spotting pink flamingos flamingoing around in the wild salt marshes for the first time

 

impossible is finding the perfect seashell but we are getting so so close

 

impossible is our spanish surfing instructor’s vast protolinguistic understanding of the ways of the waves

 

impossible is the way that spanish surfing instructor when no one is paddling to him & he is waiting to give us a little push shouts ‘come onnn! I am so BOOringgg!!!’

 

impossible is hosting friends in remote locations for the weekend & not making it a physically exhausting bootcamp interspersed with vigorous drinking & snacks

 

impossible is biking back in the rainy dark with a flat tire for 30 miles up a huge hill & just chasing your own wavering light for what seems like 5ever & wondering if this is what dying is like

 

impossible is this sliding scale of being so dead inside & then so happy in these waves at dusk just catching sweet swells or at least sweet white foam just like a dumb lil happy sea dog

 

impossible is a triple rainbow but we do get a double one & who can say no to twins

 

impossible is this sunset & this one & that one of course & the sunrise… oh my!

 

impossible is not being so tired all the time

 

but impossible is not being at least a bit ok with that

 

& impossible is remembering until u do that feel of o that’s right i am 

Oscar d'Artois wrote Teen Surf Goth (Metatron Press, 2015

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